You are Enough

It’s been a minute since I have put a blog post up!

I have been struggling with the words to say and trying to deal with my own feelings and emotions, or really trying to deny them. Haha.  As I sat in my therapy session yesterday and cried for 45 minutes straight it made me realize that me being able to share my experiences through writing is part of my healing process since my normal is to shove everything deep down, don’t talk about it, put on a fake smile, act like nothing is wrong and go on with my day and life.  I realize that is not the healthiest way to deal with things but as a woman and mother I think this is what a lot of us do.  We have to be strong for everyone else and our self-care and awareness comes last.  I never realized that being a mom would bring with it so much guilt and feelings of inadequacy.  When challenges and struggles arise, I internalize all of the feelings and feel like such a failure as a mother and in general.  My homework for these next two weeks is to text my therapist and tell her “Why I am enough?”  As I was thinking about this, I really struggled on what I am going to tell her, and I don’t think I am the only one feeling this way.

She said to me yesterday, “What if you treated yourself like you treat your friends, neighbors, co-workers, spouse or children?”  My response was there is nothing left for me after all of that.  We as mothers spread ourselves so thin and tend to never say “NO” to anyone or anything except ourselves. I have never really given much insight to this because this is just what we do, we get shit done that needs to be done!

I have not talked about this as it is still very raw and emotional, and I wasn’t sure if I was going to talk about it at all until my appointment yesterday. My son attempted suicide 2 weeks ago and has been in a treatment center until this past Tuesday. I know this was the best place for him and as much as he told us he hated us for putting him there it ultimately was the best decision we ever made. I wrote a blog post a little bit ago about depression and suicide and sometimes I wanted to think it was all attention seeking but what happens when its not?  I could not deny things anymore and he truly needed more help than we or outside doctors could give. It was interesting that my husband said he had never slept better than while he was there since he didn’t have to worry about where he was, if he was safe, etc. and it was the worst sleep for me as I was feeling guilty for having him there, wondering what we did wrong as parents, and thinking this isn’t his fault as his brain is altered due to the drug and alcohol use in utero from his birth mom.  Neither one of us is wrong it is just how we process and deal with traumatic events and trials.  Obviously, I am not dealing very well with any of this, but I have to remember that we have been and are doing everything for the best interest of our son and all our children.  This does affect our other children as well as they are all old enough to understand.

I saw this video today on Facebook and I felt like it was meant for me and exactly what I needed to hear about forgiving ourselves and loving ourselves (watch until the end!) We all have challenges, trials, trauma, grief and life is not perfect for any of us, but it can be great, and we can be happy.  Moms, we are enough! Even on those days when there is guilt and self-doubt, we need to think of ways to remind ourselves. YOU ARE ENOUGH!